"You Are Beautiful"

            How I longed to hear those words, “You are beautiful.”  From the time I realized that I could attract attention from boys, I did all I could to extract love, admiration, and a sense of self-worth from them.  I was a girl who didn’t hear those words from her daddy or her mommy, thus I didn’t receive validation.  My father sexually abused me and my mother neglected me.

Between the age of 12 (the age I entered womanhood) and 24, I sought this validation from the opposite sex.  I must have dated dozens of boys, or young men.  But this all changed after I began walking with Jesus.  I accepted Him into my heart, and it wasn’t long after that, that God, my heavenly Father set me straight. 

            I had been dating a young man and we were falling in love.  But suddenly it all fell apart. I cried out to God in my pain and soon after, discovered that He heard my prayers. A week later, I was hanging out with a mature Christian friend when I told him that on the two previous evenings, I had woken at the same time-3:16 a.m.  He told me that if it happened a third evening that I should ask God what He wanted to tell me.  My friend told me that sometimes God wakes us up when all is still and quiet, when it is easier for us to hear Him. 

            That evening, it happened again.  I told God, “I am listening. What do you want to say to me?”  Then it happened.  God spoke to me. I didn’t hear an audible voice, but words came to my mind, and then feelings followed.  God brought to mind an experience that I had not long before this evening.  A person I had never met walked up to me and told me how much God loved me.  It was an incredible experience; one that left me weeping.  I was convinced I had been visited by an angel. As this memory came to my mind, I felt God say to me, “Why are you seeking elsewhere?”  I love you.  I think you are beautiful.”  God knew that I had been looking to earthly beings (men) to fulfill this need in me.  This single moment, at 3:16 a.m., changed my life. 

I never again tried to attract the attention of a man. I believed that when it was time for me to meet my mate-for-life, God would bring him to me.  I told my girl friends, “When God feels it’s time, He will send my husband knocking on my door. I do not have to go looking and scheming to find him.”  Within two years, those same girl friends witnessed that what I had believed, God had brought to fruition.  I married a man who came knocking on the door of my home!

I learned a valuable lesson from God through this experience. God will not bless us with the right companion until we look to him first to fill our need for love.  We all have an empty hole inside of us which we often try to fill with people and things.  But only God, our Maker, can fill this hole.  If we join together in marriage hoping that our mate will fill it, we will continue to find that hole empty.  We will feel disappointment and continue to seek other people or things to fill it.  If we look to God, He will fill us up to the brim with His unconditional love, to the point that it will be overflowing.  We will then be equipped to love our life-long mate the way that God calls us to.  

Forgiveness Leads to Freedom

IF YOU WANT…                                                     YOU MUST…

PEACE--------------------------------------------------FORGIVE
JOY------------------------------------------------------FORGIVE & ACCEPT
LOVE----------------------------------------------------FORGIVE & LOVE YOURSELF
HAPPINESS--------------------------------------------FORGIVE & LET GO OF BITTERNESS
REST----------------------------------------------------FORGIVE & SIT WITH YOURSELF
FAITH---------------------------------------------------FORGIVE & BELIEVE
STRENGTH---------------------------------------------FORGIVE & DEPEND ON GOD
TRUST---------------------------------------------------FORGIVE & JUST DO IT
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS-------------------------FORGIVE & HEAL

    I have learned that FORGIVENESS means LETTING GO. Letting go of the pain. Letting go of the anger. Letting go of the resentment. If you don’t, you punish yourself, not the offender.  I always felt that God wanted me to forgive my offenders, particularly my father, but it felt too hard.  I thought that I couldn’t do it.  Actually, deep down inside, I didn't want to.  If I forgave my father, then it would be as if I were letting him off the hook. This was especially hard because he never said he was sorry for hurting me. What helped me along this process was a story found in Luke 15:11-32, known as the parable of the Lost Son. This is a very well known story, but God showed me something new.  

     When the father saw his estranged son walking along the road towards home, he immediately proceeded to prepare for a feast in honor of his son’s return. The father was wounded by his son’s behavior, yet he didn’t wait for the son to return to him and apologize.  He had mercy on his son, and forgave him.  When his son reached his father, he did apologize, but the father didn’t wait for that. “While he was still a long way off, the father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him” (Luke 15:20).  God was trying to tell me to let go of all the ugliness.  Just do it.  Don’t think about it, or feel those old, familiar, dark feelings.  Just let go. 

      Once I let go, and made the decision to love my father from that moment forward, without remembering his offenses, I saw a big difference in my marriage.  Prior to forgiving my father, I had a strong hatred and fear of men, even my own husband.  It wasn't easy for me to love my husband.  I always saw his faults.  I was always disappointed in the things he did, or didn’t do.  But after I forgave my father, I behaved differently with my husband.  I noticed a strong peace in me in every area of my life.  I found myself accepting my husband’s faults; accepting him for who he was.  I became a more loving wife.  I was married for six years prior to this moment of change.  I was able to see the difference that forgiving my father made in my life.  

      Forgiveness is a God-given gift. Accept it. Give the offense/offender to Him. He will exchange it with His peace.  

      A prayer: "I can't. You must. I'm Yours. Show me the way." 

***The above is an excerpt from my book "The Tin Man-The Voice of an Incest Survivor." 

   

The Tear Collector

My Father is in the business of collecting tears

He has a jar for every one of His children

When He sees His child’s teardrop fall

He runs swiftly to catch it in a jar

Thus He is never far from them

Each tear is precious to Him

It sprang from the heart of His precious child

My Father is in the business of sharing

He shares the heavy loads His children bear

He said, “Come to Me all you who are weary

And burdened

I will give you rest”

So when you feel you can’t go on

Just ask the Father

He will share it with you

Now that I’ve come to know Him

I know this to be true

I was never alone in the midst of my suffering

When my father abused me, He was there

When my mother neglected me, He was there too

He collected every one of my tears

As a child collects treasures in a tiny tin box

My Father is in the business of compassion

“Compassion- a feeling of sadness because

Of another’s trouble or suffering"

God sent His only Son to die a horrible death

Death on a cross

For me—For you

God the Father reached down from His throne on high

To come along side us out of compassion

He sent Jesus as a representative of Him

To know Jesus is to know the Father

To know Jesus is to know compassion and mercy

When Jesus met the widow who lost her son

“He was moved with pity for her and said

‘Do not weep’” 

God’s Word tells us

“He had to become like his brothers

In every way so that He might be merciful”

He himself “offered loud cries and tears to the

Father who was able to save him from death”

As Jesus was lifted up

So might we be

As we trust in Him with our burdens

Pains, disappointments, and sorrows

Let us embrace God the Father

The Tear Collector

 “Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?”  Psalm 56:8. NAS

Go to Holly's website. Buy her books. Be inspired. www.tinmanminstries.com

The Apple of God's Eye

I was born into a world void of my parents’ love and affections.  I was a victim of sexual abuse from my father and neglect from my mother.

Today, I am saved!  My Savior Jesus Christ rescued me.  He made me a survivor—a conqueror— through the blood He shed for me on the cross. 

One day not so long ago following a divorce, I cried out to my God.  “I wish I were the apple of someone’s eye!” He answered me.  Shortly after my prayer, I found in Psalm 17:8 these words, “Keep me as the apple of Your eye!”  And again in Deuteronomy 39:10, it says, “He guarded him as the apple of His eye.”

Wow! I had always longed to be special to someone.  All of my adult life I sought affection from men—to be told by another that I was beautiful and loved.  All of my early years I spent my days imagining that someone were watching me.  Strange as it sounds I remember this.  I would be drawing at the kitchen table while Dad was running around with other women, and Mom at work, and I would imagine that someone was looking through the window and watching me.  Year after year I did this. 

Yesterday I took my six year old to his first hip-hop dance lesson.  There was a small window in the door of the dance studio that I repeatedly peaked through so that I could see my youngest son perform his happy dance steps.  Most peaks, I came away with a chuckle in my heart and on my lips.  I wanted so much to just stand there and watch him every minute of the class, but I didn’t dare, as I would have annoyed the dance teacher who would have had to fight for the attention of her little dance students. 

I walked down the hall and found the gymnasium where young female gymnasts practiced their forward cartwheels on the balance beam and lanky-legged girls swirled around the uneven bars.  I sat and observed along with two other mothers.  Two things struck me as I sat in amazement at the awesome tricks that these girls fearlessly performed.  I noticed that most of the girls before performing a trick would look towards the window where we parents sat.  And then upon completion of the trick they would look up once again.  I thought, “They want to be noticed.  They are seeking encouragement prior to their trick, and upon completion, they seek to be felt proud of, and to have their efforts applauded.”  One mother did exactly that.  The class was only a practice, but this mother following her daughter’s performance sprung up off her seat, clapped her hands loudly, and yelled, “Good one Sandra!”  A part of me wished that I were that girl, that I had that mother. 

As I drove away from the dance studio with my son, I felt God speak to me.  His words brought tears to my eyes.  My Father said to me, “I have always had my eye on you.  I watch you.  I see the good things that you do.  I see the choices that you make because you wish to please Me.  I applaud you and I am proud of you Holly.  You are the apple of My eye.”     

Go to Holly's website...buy her books. Be inspired.
www.tinmanministries.com

Living a Dream

A friend I hadn’t heard from in a while asked me on Facebook how I was doing.  I thought for a minute before responding, “I’m living a dream.”  Since that day I began thinking of how very true that statement was. 

One may look at my life and not see anything significant.  One may see that I do not have worldly success (I do not even have a job), fame or fortune.  What I do have is a husband whom I love and loves me in return, three healthy boys whom I care for and nurture, and most of all, my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  This may not seem like a great feat, or anything to boast of, but if you knew my past, you might think differently.

As a child—abused by my father, neglected by my mother, and feeling abandoned by both—I spent my play time playing “house.”  It was my favorite thing to play.  I would insist on being the mother and I would rock my baby doll in my arms and coo to her, just the way I had desired my mother to do.  Since then, I possessed a nurturing spirit about me that is still with me today.  Not only do I pour out my motherly care upon my children, but upon my adult nieces and nephews, and my peers as well. 

When I came to the Lord at the age of twenty I refrained from asking God to help me to find a husband.  I didn’t have confidence in myself that I could have a healthy, loving relationship with a man in marriage, nor did I feel that I could raise children with the love that they needed.  After all, I never was the recipient of this kind of love.  Thus I felt that I didn’t have it in me to give. 

Over time, God began changing my heart and mind.  Little by little, His love transformed me.  And as His love poured into my heart and healed my heart, love began to pour out of me into others.  Because of this work that God was doing in me, I began to pray and ask God to send me a husband, a man who seeks after His heart.  Throughout my twenties, I clung to this dream of having a healthy, loving relationship with a man of God, and to rear healthy, holy children together.  When I speak of having a healthy relationship with a man, I mean that it would not be characteristic of the types of dysfunction that my parents possessed.  I desired a relationship that was filled with love, peace, and joy—not anger, hatred, and violence, like I witnessed as a child. 

I married at thirty to a man of God.  Even so, we were still sinners, and made many mistakes.  We fell short of behaving as husband and wife in a way that was pleasing to God.  Of the eight years that we were married, I continued to pray that God bring my dream to fruition, but there were many obstacles to this end.  We endured many trials such as:  I suffered from post-partum depression for years unknowingly; our second child had mental health issues; I had four miscarriages.  In the midst of the trials was the baggage that my husband and I carried into the marriage.  An unfortunate fact is that my husband became so busy with life that he didn’t turn to God for help.  So even though we prayed together and sought God’s grace in our life before marriage, it stopped once we were married. 

I pressed on in striving to fulfill my dream.  I not only prayed and put my faith in God that He would bring it to pass, but I also put much time and effort in doing my part.   Throughout the eight years of marriage I attended counseling, read books on how to be a good wife and mother, listened daily to Focus on the Family (hosted by family psychologist Dr. James Dobson), attended parenting workshops, and attended a twelve- step support group called CoDependency Anonymous, in the hopes of behaving healthier in my marriage.   And after all that, my marriage failed.  At the time of my divorce I had two children, ages six and seven, and was pregnant with our third child.  Where was my dream then? 

Within the year following my divorce, God reminded me of my dream.  I had lost mind of it for a while, but God brought it to mind, and with it, He gave me hope and faith to believe that I could still have it.  I had the knowledge from God’s Word that “with God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26) and I believed it to be true.  My faith was not unfounded.  Only three years had passed when God blessed me with a second chance—my husband Steve. 

Steve and I have been married four years, and every day that has passed, I realize that I am living my dream!  In my dream these past twenty years I had a husband who was loving and kind, and who loved the Lord; healthy children who also loved the Lord.  We lived in a home that was filled with love, peace and joy; laughter and fun—a home that was safe and nurturing.  Let me encourage you as I share the fruit of my prayers.  (“May God powerfully bring to fruition every effort of your faith.”      2 Thessalonians 1:11)

I wake each morning to Steve’s words as he whispers in my ear, “I love you Holly.”  As Steve goes off to work, I go about my duties as a stay-at-home mom.  I value this tremendously as it has always been my desire to give my children all that I didn’t have—not toys or fancy clothes—a mom—my time.  This includes being home to pack their lunches for school, wishing them a happy day when they leave in the morning, having snacks ready for them when they get home, helping them with their homework, playing a game of cards, and tucking them into bed at night with a prayer and a kiss.  I am so grateful to be home that I don’t even mind the other not-so-glamorous tasks such as cleaning the toilets or washing dirty underwear. 

My prayer to God has always been that my husband and children know Him and love Him.  Two years ago I began to pray and have faith in God’s Word that “Me and my household will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)  Little by little since then I have seen God moving in Steve and the boys, bringing them closer to Him.  Steve and I began going to a new church this past year and we anxiously wait for Sundays when we get to worship God—the God who brought us together.  Steve serves in a ministry at church, attends Bible classes and fellowships in small groups.  It is wonderful to share my faith with him, and I am so grateful to God for this. 

 My teen boys have been attending the youth group at our church and since then, Steve and I are seeing changes in them that testify that they are experiencing Jesus in a personal way.  My thirteen old posted these words on Facebook this past Thanksgiving, “No one’s going to stop me from being addicted to my Lord Jesus Christ.  I thank you for changing my life.  Everybody needs you and I pray that soon enough they will realize that.  I love you Jesus.”  Not only are my teen boys being touched by God’s grace.  Last week my six year old wrote a book as he sat at our kitchen table, entitled “I Love Myself.”  His last words in the book say, “But most of all, I love myself because God loves me.”  Sweet words to a praying mother. 

I can also testify that God answered my prayer that my children be healthy.  Approximately one year ago God healed my son of early-onset bipolar.  He was on a very potent drug for nine years until God told me to stop praying for his healing.  My son has gone fourteen months without medication and without the horrible symptoms of bipolar.  Not only did God heal my son, but he also healed me of twenty years clinical depression, and two years of severe fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.  I have been walking in freedom from mental and physical health issues for about two years now.  So you see…as I gaze out the window of our peaceful, country home, my thoughts are raised to God.  He fulfilled the promise that He made to me twenty years ago… “Keep all my decrees and laws and follow them…you will possess their land; I will give it to you as an inheritance, a land flowing with milk and honey.”  (Leviticus 20:22, 24)  God has satisfied the desires of my heart and has provided for all of my needs…and so—I am living a dream! 

Go to Holly's website. Buy her books. Be inspired.

www.tinmanministries.com